Hello again Anna,
I am hoping to see you again on here because it is the saddest Christmas ever for me. I shut myself off from people because I don't want to inflict myself on them. Now I'm thinking of moving after 3 years, because I am ashamed that people know and see my moods.
I have to go downstairs to the main lobby to get my mail and I usually enjoy it when I do, saying hello to folks mingling around a common area we have for people that are disabled, or just don't want to do anything much. Sometimes I think I am afraid of becoming inactive, but much more afraid of literally being alone by choice.
So I've been taking the 5htp every other day right now, also keeping up every day with my magnesium, B complex, A, D3, zinc, theanine, and Magtein. Just a rundown on what I am taking right now.
It's hard to admit this but I have outbursts when at home alone. I am afraid one day I might do it in front of someone though. I just do this thing where I cuss and say how much I hate the world and everyone in it. It's not true, but I feel that way. I'm in tears writing this and wish something would really work for me. The rest of my close relatives are screwed up too but they have different ways of coping. Prozac for my closest brother, alcohol for my mother, and my sister will blow up one day from keeping everything inside and covering it with stupid jokes. Well, she did raise a butcher knife to me one time.
I don't know if this will get posted because it's more of a whine about my state of mind or mental attitude. The holidays feel horrid for the first time in my life. I always decorated and had the christmas music on. I've tried to get some spirit with a movie of old here and there, and music on. Nothing is working. I still believe I'll hit on the right supplements/foods and again, it has been just about 2.5 months now I've been working on it.